Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
