If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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