Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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