So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
