The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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