Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
