Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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