how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize