I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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