Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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