Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I look better un-naked...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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