I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
