It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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