Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
