you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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