please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
