So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
