I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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