I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
