so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
