I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
