when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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