Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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