we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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