My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
