At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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