this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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