tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
