you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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