Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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