my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
