Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
