i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.