Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"