her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name