I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
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Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
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He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.