I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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