i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
