His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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