Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
