I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
