No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
