Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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