Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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