All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So drunk its hurt
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How naked do you want me to be?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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