just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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