if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
