If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
