He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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