Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
