There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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