Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
