Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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