he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
