Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
