You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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