The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
