his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
