hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
