I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today